What makes a film “bad?” Well, for starters, these kinds of movies fail to have any redeemable qualities or their flaws prominently outweigh everything they have to offer. In fact, some legendarily bad movies are widely known because they’re so terrible. I’m talking about the likes of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room” or 2010’s “Birdemic: Shock and Terror.” However, movies in this vein still offer something meaningful despite their nonsensical nature, as there’s fun to be had with an egregiously bad premise. For example, a franchise like “Sharknado” induces plenty of unintended laughs, where the escalating events are so baffling and cringe-worthy that the films become an outlet for mindless entertainment.
But what about a movie that is insufferably, irredeemably bad? As in, so bad it’s currently the lowest-rated film on IMDb with a rating of 1.9 out of 10? If you’ve never heard of 2008’s “Disaster Movie,” you’re probably better off not knowing, as this Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer-directed parody flick has been deemed the worst movie of all time, at least according to IMDb. I’m not sure whether it truly is the worst of all time — after all, “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever” exists and sports an infamous 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — but its premise is pretty dubious. Likewise, the actual movie is filled with juvenile humor and stereotypical character framing. Perhaps its worst sin, however, is that it manages to annoy the heck out of even the most patient and forgiving moviegoers.
Without wasting any more time, let us find out what “Disaster Movie” is all about, and what exactly makes it so obnoxiously terrible.
Disaster Movie is a punishing, soul-sucking watch
Spoilers for “Disaster Movie” to follow.
For some reason, “Disaster Movie” starts with a caveman being chased by an animal in 10,001 B.C. until he encounters bodybuilder Wolf/Michael Van Wijk (Ike Barinholtz). After defeating him, the caveman listens to a prophecy told by the beast (who is supposed to be Amy Winehouse for some reason), foretelling that the world will end on a certain date. A Crystal Skull (yes, you read that right, this is supposed to be an “Indiana Jones” spoof) is mentioned as the key to averting this disaster. This sequence is then revealed to be the dream of a present-day dude named Will (Matt Lanter), who subsequently undergoes a breakup and throws a party, only for an interesting group of characters to show up.
If you want to know what happens next, please don’t bother, as the “plot” hereafter is a string of unfunny jokes and movie references that exist for the sake of it. Everything from “Iron Man” to “Cloverfield” is parodied here, to the point that there is zero originality at play and every gag is a cheap, distorted riff on a moment from the films it’s obsessed with referencing. Forget being a guilty pleasure; there’s no pleasure to be had watching a couple of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” knockoffs randomly pursue Will with murderous intent, only to end up being trapped inside a trashcan to suffer a suffocating demise. The rest of the movie is equally tedious and irritating to watch.
For those willing to watch this thing out of morbid curiosity, “Disaster Movie” also stars Vanessa Minnillo, Gary “G Thang” Johnson, Crista Flanagan, Nicole Parker (whose performance as the Enchanted Princess is mildly entertaining when compared to, well, everything else), Kim Kardashian, and Carmen Electra, among others. I have nothing else to add, except that an Unrated “Cataclysmic” Edition of the film was also released on DVD and Blu-ray. For the sake of everyone’s sanity and well-being, though, it’s probably best ignored.