By Robert Scucci
| Updated
If you grew up in the ‘90s, you probably spent a couple of summers trying to play BASEketball with your friends after watching the movie and learning the rules of the game. In fact, my friends and I were so into playing BASEketball, we often had debates over the rules that would give Bob Costas a run for his money. When there was no clear winner after our playoff rounds, we even had two-man sack races held on consecutive Sundays until a victor emerged from the field of play.
While we all agreed that the game itself totally isn’t like “HORSE,” and knew all of the double-play and conversion semantics, there’s one BASEketball rule that’s never firmly established in the film: what happens if the “batter” just misses the shot without getting psyched out?
The Rules Of The Game
BASEketball, a new game that Joe Cooper (Trey Parker) and Doug Reemer (Matt Stone) “picked up in the hood,” is exactly what it sounds like: basketball with baseball rules. When a team is up to “bat,” they shoot free throws from different lines, each one having a different value corresponding with a single, double, triple, or a home run. The “pitching” team defends the hoop, not by blocking or tackling, but by “psyching out” their opposition in the form of a sight gag, verbal intimidation, or tasteless jokes that catch the batter off guard.
Sounds Simple Enough, Right?
Wrong!
BASEketball has incredibly simple rules so anybody could play the game – “so guys with bad backs and knees can get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids.” But one rule that’s never fully addressed in BASEketball is the idea of a bad throw outside of your typical psyche-out, which I’m just now realizing rhymes with strike out.
Throughout the movie’s run, Joseph R. “Coop” Cooper, Doug “Sir Swish” Reemer, and Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar) sink shot after shot without fail.
When Coop’s team, The Milwaukee Beers, wins a game of BASEketball, it’s mostly because of Coop’s legendary psych-outs, not because their opponents are bad shots. In other words, we’re talking about either scoring free throw after free throw with incredible accuracy, or hearing and seeing something so out of pocket that a player falls over while trying to get on base.
Aside from the scene where Coop is so drunk that he bats one for 11 and smells like Christian Slater – which gets close to answering my question, but not quite – there’s not a single instance in BASEketball in which a player, commentator, or spectator clarifies the rules involving a simple miss. One could reasonably assume that missing a shot results in an out, but I’m still just speculating after my thousandth view. During this one crucial scene, Coop actually misses the third home run he promised he’d make for the Dream Come True Foundation (the lord must really have it in for that little boy), but the camera breaks away from the scoreboard that already had two outs on it before he stepped up to bat.
Why Should You Care?
Listen, I know breaking down the rules for a fictional sport that was invented by David Zucker and played by the guys from South Park seems like a ridiculous thing to get worked up about, but there’s one reality that we all need to face. One day, your kids will fall in love with BASEketball (the movie and the sport), the rules of the game will be debated in your very driveway, and you’re going to have to mitigate the situation by working as a de facto umpire.
As I finger the stitches of my custom-made LAZY-BOY BASEketball (I’m not joking), I’ve decided that a missed shot would constitute as an out, but I really wish there was a definitive rulebook so I don’t mislead my children when they’re finally ready to play the game.