We’ve finally reached the time of the year when everyone dedicates an unnecessary amount of time to arguing over the same, cyclical topics ad nauseam — like whether or not “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie or what film deserves the biggest gift under the tree as the best Christmas movie of all time. Just as hotly debated is what constitutes the “worst” Christmas movie of all time, which is a lot harder to determine depending on what you deem “bad.” One film that is frequently in the running for the dishonor is 1985’s “Santa Claus: The Movie,” directed by Jeannot Szwarc, who also gave us “Supergirl” and the equally polarizing “Jaws 2.”
On paper, “Santa Claus: The Movie” has a lot going for it. It’s about a man named Claus (David Huddleston) who delivers toys in his small village, eventually becoming Santa Claus after crossing paths with an elf toy-maker, Patch (Dudley Moore). Now, centuries later in the North Pole, Santa Claus is completely overworked and Patch has left the workshop to take a job in New York City at a failing toy company run by an evil businessman (played by John Lithgow).Â
In all honesty, “Santa Claus: The Movie” plays out like a superhero origin story for the big man in red, but unfortunately, the script from David and Leslie Newman (“Superman,” “Superman II,” “Superman III”) is a hot mess. Combine that with the unapologetically 1980s excess of promotional tie-ins with McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, and Pabst Blue Ribbon, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. A shame, because Huddleston makes a solid Santa and Judy Cornwell as his wife Anya is one of our live-action best, but “Santa Claus: The Movie” doesn’t come close to being one of the best movies to feature Santa Claus.
In an alternate universe, however, horror maestro and genre aficionado John Carpenter would have directed the film, and could have perhaps launched this story into being one of the greats.
John Carpenter’s demands were too much for Santa Claus: The Movie
“Santa Claus: The Movie” was the brainchild of Alexander and Ilya Salkind, the father/son duo who produced the “Superman” movies and were hoping to transition that success into another franchise with ol’ Saint Nick. According to Digital Spy, John Carpenter, who was fresh off of “The Thing” and “Christine,” was approached to direct the film — and he was down to do it if they were able to meet his requirements. Carpenter allegedly said that he wanted to rewrite the script and receive sole credit, wanted to be the composer for the film’s score, demanded final cut, and wanted to cast Brian Dennehy as Santa Claus.
This is the time period right before Carpenter would make “Big Trouble in Little China,” so it was definitely his era of taking massive creative swings that might not have performed well at the box office, but would become cult hits for years to come. His demands were apparently too much for the Salkinds, though, and they returned to their reliable pal, Jeannot Szwarc.
In all sincerity, I need someone to invent a multiverse hopper so I can see what this version of “Santa Claus: The Movie” would look like. Carpenter writing and directing a fantasy epic about one of the most popular mythological creatures in history is something I didn’t know I needed until now. The thought of a Brian Dennehy Santa Claus is also truly inspired casting, especially because this film would have fallen in his filmography between “First Blood” and “Cocoon.” Carpenter made “Starman” instead, which earned Jeff Bridges an Oscar nomination and remains the closest thing Carpenter ever made to a “family” film.
Everything happens for a reason, but I can’t believe, at minimum, we missed out on a Carpenter Christmas score. They should have given him whatever he wanted. It’s Christmas.