By Robert Scucci
| Published
The phrase “direct-to-video” is typically associated with low-budget projects that couldn’t secure a wide theatrical release. More often than not, this is the right logic to follow. However, there’s one 1996 film that defies all logic called Theodore Rex – a $33.5 million buddy cop science-fiction film starring Whoopi Goldberg and the film’s eponymous anthropomorphic dinosaur who’s portrayed just a little too enthusiastically by George Newbern (Father of the Bride).
While normally I’m a huge fan of titles that are “so bad they’re good,” Theodore Rex is one of those movies that will baffle me until I’m on my deathbed. What’s more, I feel like New Line Cinema is aware of this fact, which is why you can’t find this movie on any streaming platform as of this writing.
Futuristic Dino Detectives?
Theodore Rex wastes no time insulting your intelligence with a Star Wars-style exposition scroll at the front of the movie telling you everything you need to know:
There’s a clumsy yet lovable dinosaur named Theodore Rex who wants to be a detective, a disgraced and rough-around-the-edges futuristic cop named Katie Coltrane (Whoopie Goldberg) who is tasked with solving a murder case with said dinosaur against her will in order to get her badge reinstated, and a crime scene involving a dead dinosaur that leads to a grand conspiracy about an evil billionaire named Elizar Kane (Armin Mueller-Stahl) who wants to use fish DNA to usher in a new ice age for … reasons.
Confusing Character Design
The most frustrating part about Theodore Rex is its character design. I’ll be the first to admit that the walking and talking dinosaur puppets look great for a light-hearted mid-90s whatever the hell kind of film this is, but their personalities make absolutely no sense, and seem to have been created for the sole purpose of making audiences guffaw at the screen while saying “haha, that’s so random!”
For example, Theodore Rex has an automated cookie shooter in his decked out penthouse apartment for when he wants a snack. Let’s unpack this for a second because our dino-detective hero is low on the totem pole in his public relations career, and only aspires to be a cop in the first act.
How can Theodore Rex afford this lifestyle, and why does he like cookies so much?
What’s he doing on the side to have a seemingly endless supply of white-chocolate macadamia nut cookies at the ready in an apartment so massive that even Frasier Crane would be jealous of his living situation? Was the cookie shooter custom built? At least we know that his massive tail-accommodating van was purchased with taxpayer money, but I have no compelling reason to believe that Theodore Rex has “cookie shooter money” laying around by any stretch of the imagination.
Also, Theodore, as well as the rest of the dinosaurs who have been integrated into society after being created by the villain, have all decided that they no longer want to be carnivores, for reasons never fully explained. If I had to venture a guess, this idiosyncrasy was established for the sole purpose of making the dinosaurs in this universe just a little more quirky.
Whoopi Goldberg Didn’t Want To Be There
During a 2015 interview with Folha de S. Paulo, Whoopi Goldberg did not mince words when she said that she didn’t want to star in Theodore Rex. In fact, producer Richard Gilbert Abramson filed a $20 million lawsuit against Goldberg when she tried to back out of the film’s production after allegedly making a verbal agreement to be cast as Katie Coltrane back in 1992. Settling out of court, Goldberg reluctantly agreed to move forward with the project, but her disdain is apparent in every single frame.
There’s not a single punchline in Theodore Rex that isn’t accompanied by a look of apprehension on Goldberg’s face as if to say, “I can’t believe I’m saying these words out loud.” It’s also not revealed until the third act that Katie Coltrane is part cyborg, which benefits the plot in no way whatsoever aside from the fact that it explains why she walks around so unenthusiastically – like a drugged up cat following a laser pointer – throughout most of the film. Part of me wonders if this reveal was simply added to the script to explain the soullessness of Goldberg’s movements and line delivery.
Whoopi Goldberg was paid $7 million to star in Theodore Rex.
It’s Okay If You Want To Pass On This One
Theodore Rex isn’t available anywhere on streaming, which is probably to the benefit of humanity. Mankind is overstimulated by endless technological innovations, multiple wars, economic distress, famine, corruption, advertisements, get-rich-quick schemes, and a sense of political divide that will probably get way worse before things ever get better. For most people, sitting down to watch Theodore Rex as a means to escape the horrors of modern life may be the very thing that pushes them over the edge.
As I lament the 92 minutes of my time that I devoted to Theodore Rex, not all hope is lost. I watched this movie so you don’t have to. But if you’re a glutton for punishment, you can probably find every copy of this movie at the bottom of a decades-old tar pit where they belong.